The List List

I don’t know about you guys, but when I’m bored and flipping around the internet looking for something to read, the thing that always seems to draw me in are lists. They are easily digestible. I can stop in the middle if I’m bored. Or I can skip to the end if I’m bored. I get bored a lot.

Lists really are the total package. Basically like if Ryan Reynolds could also sing like Adam Levine. The total package. So, logically, I figured it would make sense to try and capitalize on that list enthusiasm here on the site. Therefore, I put together a quick list of my favorite things to read lists about. Hope you enjoy.

10. Animals Doing Stuff

I’m actually not super interested in this topic if I’m being honest. So why are they on my Top 10 list? Because these lists need to build! You can’t just start with “now we’re here”. You need to start at the bottom (incidentally, Drake songs were a near miss for this list). A truly well-constructed list starts with a good intro (check), gives you a first item that makes you curious but not enthralled (check) and then builds slowly before bringing it home with an awesome conclusion (in the words of Harry Potter: checkmate).

9. Bane Quotes from Dark Knight Rises

I like to read them and then I like to say them in my best attempt at the Bane voice. It usually helps to have an empty cup at your disposal to give your voice a nice echo. Your welcome.

8. Pitch Perfect

This is a purposely vague entry into the lists because I’m open to a lot of different possibilities. Maybe you go with a list of the greatest songs from Pitch Perfect. I’m on board with that (assuming you don’t put Cups #1-don’t even think about putting Cups #1). Maybe you want to list your favorite one liners or highlight all of Jesse’s best moments (that could potentially be a long list, but I’d still read it). I’m not going to micromanage you about what to write about, but you can bet I will have some strong opinions about the order you put things in. I’m a passionate son of a pitch. Is that what they call fans of that movie?

7. Greatest Kicks

To those of you who are not runners, you might be surprised to find out these type of lists do not include Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan. In track, we call a runner’s finishing sprint at the end of a race a “kick” because I don’t know. That’s just what they told me. The “kick” is the most exciting part of most distance races and, as a guy who tried to be a “kicker” back in his own running days, I have a special appreciation for them.

Plus, these lists usually have some exciting videos embedded in them which makes for a more compelling reading experience. As a millennial, I can’t be expected to read strictly words. I need some videos and pictures in there to keep me engaged.

However, as my reader, you will not have that luxury. This may be where you get bored and skip to the end.

6. American Ninja Warrior Power Rankings  

I’m a big American Ninja Warrior fan. As you may have seen elsewhere on this site, I tend to take my fair share of deep dives into the ninja stats. Like any sport, I like to try and come with rankings and projections for what will happen in the next season. I’ve got a fantasy team to pick in the not too distant future. There’s lots of reasons to read up on who others are thinking could put up a big season.

The main problem is, there aren’t a lot of us out Ninja heads out there. There’s so little of us we haven’t even come up with a clever name to refer to ourselves as. It’s a bit of an underserved market unlike something like NFL Power Rankings where, if you google it, you’ll get 15 different lists and a coupon for $5 off a Papa John’s pizza. They are very effective with their marketing.

List within a list alert!

To help counteract some of this market inefficiency for Ninja fans (and as a continuation to my previous post where I ran out of time to actually write this out) here are my Top 10 Ninja Power rankings just ahead of Season 10. But there’s a twist. Because, like any good list, you need a twist.

Here are my Top 10 Ninja’s for Season 10 that you’ve probably never heard of before:

10. Hunter Guerard

9. Kevin Carbone

8. Karson Voiles

7. Drew Knapp

6. Jody Avila

5. Andrew Lowes

4. Sean Darling-Hammond

3. Tyler Gillett

2. Josh Silanas

1. Adam Rayl

5. Rap Ad-Libs

Nothing makes a great rap song great like a good ad-lib. These are the lines that a rapper throws in as almost an improvised phrase or sound to really bring home their point. Big Sean is one of the kings of the ad-lib game, but people tend to love Migos ad-libs. If you listen to rap in today’s day and age, you’ve probably got a few favorites of your own and you need them if you are going to get any street cred. And trust me, I know about street cred.

4. Did You Knows About People I Find Interesting

Sometimes I’m surfing the web or listening to music and I come across a very interesting person who I don’t know that much about. In an instant it becomes my goal in life to find out as much as I can about that person. I’m scrolling through Wikipedia mostly, but I’ll occasionally skip down and check out the source documents. But it would be really convenient if I could do less Wikipedia skimming and more list reading.

Here’s some people that have made my “People I Find Interesting” list in recent months: Childish Gambino (AKA Donald Glover), the guy that James Franco plays in The Disaster Artist, Bleachers (only a one person band-hard to not be fascinated with a one person band that has a plural name) and anybody who does Curling.

3. Pick-Up Basketball

I don’t really run as much as I used to so my number one hobby has become playing pick-up basketball across the street from my apartment. Basketball has always been my favorite sport to play (running is barely even a sport, let alone the most fun), but pick-up basketball is the closest thing I’ve played to any serious, organized high level of play. Therefore, it’s what I find most relatable in list form.

Again, you could give me NBA stuff, but that’s too mainstream for a list. I’m interesting in finding out Pick-Up basketball trends: a list along the lines of “The Four Other Types of People on Your Team Every Time You Play Pick-Up Basketball at the YMCA” or  “Best Things To Say To Random Pick-Up Players So They Won’t Know If You Are The Man Or A Crazy Person”. I feel like there is a lot more room to get creative while still making a somewhat universal list that a lot of different people can share in the experience.

2. Harry Potter Fan Theories

Look, it’s hard to say how much I like reading these lists or how much I like hate reading this lists. I love Harry Potter. I love trying to uncover things that I haven’t thought of or things that are truly interesting. Sometimes, I go through a list and I gleam a few things and those experiences are great. Other times, I feel like I go through a list and just find myself picking apart all the theories and pointing out flaws or missed facts. Those experiences are also great. It gives me a chance to remind myself that I’m a huge Harry Potter fan and others pale in comparison to my awesome brilliance.

1. Backyard Sports Characters

You probably should have seen this coming as I literally just made a list of this stuff on my blog. A Backyard Sports Character list touches on a lot of the essentials for a good, internet list.

List within a list alert!

Childhood Nostalgia

 It has to pull at the heartstrings of yesteryear. These sort of lists bring you back a simpler time when all you had to do to be good at video games was point and click.

Creativity

There’s a lot of different ways you can go with these sort of lists. You can touch on who you think is the best character in each sport. You can make a list of who would be most fun to play with in real life. Maybe you want to dive into the world of cartoon vs. real life player comparisons. How about all the different power-ups? Which non-professional team name is best (Might Wombats FTW)? It’s all at your finger-tips!

Diversity

This may be a controversial statement, but I think it helps that this list would include multiple races, genders, ethnicities, disabilities, fashion senses, social cliques and/or intelligence levels. There’s something for everybody in a Backyard Sports list which opens the door for mass sharing across the social media platforms. The best part about seeing a truly legit list is being able to text it to your friends and say “read this so we can talk about it”. With a diverse list, you have lots of options on how to text that too so you can’t get shot down by someone who is supposed to be your friend but never wants to enjoy your shared posts.

Not that that has ever happened to me.

Get In the Ninja Spirit

It’s a little early for American Ninja Warrior talk, so you might be upset to even see that this is a topic, but it’s not my fault I’ve got obstacles on the brain. You can blame whoever was behind the decision to announce that Philadelphia will be one of the Ninja cities for the 2018 edition of the show. It’s sent me straight into planning mode for a trip that isn’t for another five months or so. I’ve already signed up for the ticket waiting list three separate times just to make sure that I’m on the right one.

However, there’s only so much preparation you can do for an event in the spring when it’s snowing seemingly every three days. Therefore, I need to get out my ANW related energy through the posting medium.

I’ve taken the liberty of reviewing my document of results from this past ninja season (I’ve got a fairly in depth excel spreadsheet like any other casual fan) and am trying to determine what trends could hold up as move to Season 10. As I see it, here are the key questions I gleamed from last season’s stats that may (or may not) be something to watch for the next time you turn on NBC for a show that isn’t “This Is Us”.

 How will the evolution of women continue in Season 10?

In many ways, Season 8 was the year of the women. Jessie Graff became the first woman to finish Stage 1 and then later, in USA vs. the World, toppled Stage 2. Not only was that huge for women in the sport, it was huge for the sport. Graff instantly became the most marketable star the show had (and helped push Kacy out the door to wrestling) and skyrocketed the shows YouTube audience. Let’s be honest, feminists around the world were sharing Graff videos on Facebook to represent their gender proudly. Even if they didn’t know the show at all.

Ultimately, that’s good news. The more views/money the show can get, the better it is for all people involved. So in Season 9, the producers saw this as their chance to A) get more women a prominent role in week to week action and B) get rid of an obviously flawed wild card system, but making specific qualifying spots only for women.

Although I wasn’t a huge fan of it, it’s hard to deny that it worked. We had a huge surge in female productivity last season. Not only did we have a new woman conquer stage one (Alyssia Bierd), but we had a bunch more come inches away. Jessie Graff, Jessie Labreck and Barclay Stockett all made it to the final obstacle of Stage 1. Meagan Martin, another veteran star on the woman’s circuit, was very close to completing Vegas’s first challenge as well. If it wasn’t for the new women rules, Bierd would not have qualified outright for Vegas. Neither would Stockett or Martin. Now they are all confident, experienced and hungry to continue to represent the gender on the sport’s marquee stage.

However, is this success sustainable? Will we have two women finisher’s on Stage 1 in Season 10? I’m not positive. Although it’s hard to deny the depth of the female field is growing quickly (look at last year’s Cleveland field), last season also featured a record number of Stage 1 finishers in general. There were 41 finishers for Stage 1! I’d be surprised if they make Stage 1 that easy again this time around (easy, of course, being a relative term). A stricter time limit could make things extra tricky as part of the reason for our near misses on the women’s side was the clock.

That being said, I think we will continue to see progress. I think Graff has great odds of getting to Stage 2. She has been one of the best performers over the past two season, regardless of gender. Bierd has done it before, I think Labreck can get there and they should add Michele Wranky to the mix this year (she got knocked out because Cleveland is stacked, but my guess is Labreck doesn’t compete on the East Coast since it sounds like she’s moving to Chicago). Add in Martin and Stockett plus the inevitable next generation of Graff watchers (just like the current generation is influenced by the OG top gal in Kacy) and you’ve got something good cooking.

How will the Ninja rookies do?

Last year, we saw some big time performances from Ninja rookies. Tyler Gillett led the way as perhaps the top scoring rookie who advanced to Stage 2, but there were also guys like Kevin Carbone (a genius obstacle maker) who were impressive. And honestly there may have even been more rookies that I didn’t know about. Using the data from anwfantasy.com, there were no historical results for top finishers like Josh Silanas, Jody Avila and Hunter Guerard. All three of those guys advanced to Stage 2 with Silanas and Avila making it all the way to the final obstacle on the course. And, last but not least, there’s Charlie Andrews. The MIT student showed the most promise in city finals before his tragic, life-threatening injury before the Vegas Finals (by the way, Andrews is back training these days).

This year, ANW has announced they are lowering the minimum age from 21 down to 19. That’s huge as we will essentially have three years-worth of rookies in one class. There’s typically a guy or two from that rookie class who is a contender for a top 15 spot in the Ninja world. Before Gillett and Andrews, it was Josh Levin. Before Levin, it was Daniel Gil. If you’re telling me there are three year’s worth of Josh Levin’s out there, I’m not sure I’m going to be able to contain my enthusiasm.

Who is this year’s redemption story?

Unfortunately in Ninja, one little mistake knocks you out of the whole competition. In Season 8, we saw those tiny missteps come back to haunt the likes of JJ Woods, Lance Pekus and Abel Gonzalez. However, those guys all came back with a vengeance in Season 9 and their redemption stories made for epic runs through Vegas. All three guys made it Stage 2 and were one obstacle away from Stage 3. Pekus had one of the fastest qualifying times on Stage 1 (he was 4^th in the final tally). JJ Woods was one of the 10 best Ninjas in fantasy scoring last year, nearly defeating his City Finals course in Daytona. Those guys were valuable sleeper picks if you only looked at one year’s worth of results.

If you are looking back through the 2017 Vegas Finalists, you are going to miss marquee names like Jake Murray, Chris Wilczewski, Grant McCartney, Ethan Swanson and Neil Craver. Some of those guys, like Murray and Swanson, fell during qualifiers while others (Wilczewski, Craver) were nowhere to be found on the TV broadcast. One of these guys is going to have a big year and make it Stage 2 in Vegas. But who will it be? I like Wilczewski (he’s in an even year after all) who you can bet will be back as he’s a gym owner with a big ninja backstory. I also think Jake Murray could do big things. He has a real chance to evolve into what Flip Rodriguez has become-a guy who has the potential to go fast, but is much more disciplined than he was in his younger days. But hopefully, Murray still keeps up his antics.

Who is this year’s next year’s redemption story?

Before Jake Murray was a redemption story candidate, he was a candidate for a top 10 spot among his fellow ninjas. We don’t necessarily see the slip ups coming and they can happen to anybody. So who do we think it will be this time? Murray was a reasonable candidate last year because he likes to go fast. Sometimes that catches up to you.You also have to be careful about the overconfidence factor. You can’t take any one obstacle for granted. Maybe that means one of our top ninjas from Season 9 could slip when they return to the course this year.

I’m a little nervous for one of my personal favorite ninjas, Najee Richardson, who I think could potentially take a step back in 2018. I’m also a little worried about speed demon Drew Drecshel, although I’d have a hard time not giving him the #1 spot in any Ninja rankings. However, the Ninjas these days have learned so much from the Ninjas of the past, that they just seem less likely to make a big mistake.

Is this show going to get easier or harder?

As mentioned, last year we had a huge number of Stage 1 finishers. It made those episodes very exciting because you truly believed everyone who stepped up on the stage had a chance to finish the course. There were 41 finishers after just 17 guys did it in 2016. The previous record (38) belonged to the 2015 season which was the deepest Ninja season ever (even beyond the two winners that we had). On Stage 2, we had over 20 competitors make it to the final obstacle, including some relatively no-name guys who were just breaking out onto the scene.

But conversely, the City Finals courses were very tricky this year. In Kansas City, nobody finished the course (although that may say more about the field in KC than anything else) and we only had 1 finisher in each of San Antonio, Daytona and Denver. Only three of those 26 to face the final Stage 2 obstacle (Wing Nut Ally) actually defeated it and it took out the biggest names in the game including last year’s Stage 3 qualifiers Drecshel and Gil. And, most importantly of all, we didn’t have a winner.

In my opinion, one of the biggest problems with Ninja these days it’s become too predictable. The way they structure the show makes it pretty clear exactly what obstacle people are going to get to on the course. For City Finals, they set it up so that the first runner always made it to the first obstacle of the back-half of the course to set up the “killer obstacle” on that side of the wall. They give out POM Healthy Runs in the finale before Stage 3 happens (thanks, now we know there are no more finishers …) and they show people on the Stage 3 obstacles during the preview for the show so you know who is going to advance (see Richardson, Najee).

And if you want to be really picky, in Vegas they jump around so that the actual order of when people are running is not the same as the order they show people on TV so that they can spread out their finishers as they see fit (for the record, in Vegas they run the course in reverse order based on their time in the qualifying). For most people this isn’t a problem, but when you have a list of what order everyone is supposed to run in, that kinda makes it predictable again. Like I said, Stage 1 was the peak of the show for me and my friends this past year, because it was the only time we felt genuinely surprised.

I’ve gotten a little off track here, but it had to be said.

Although, all this isn’t really related to the show getting harder or easier, but it’s still meaningful to remember a fan’s prospective. Because ultimately, I think fans want people to beat the course. If you have too many season’s end with no one pulling off the win, I think it leaves a bad taste in your mouth for the next year. In my opinion, the show needs somebody to climb the Mountain this year (and that’s only sort of a metaphor) or it’s going to lose some of its appeal. For that reason, I think they will try to make some of the courses a little easier and get our number of finishers up on the city finals courses and hopefully in Vegas.

All I know is, I don’t want to see the Wedge this season. I think that’s a broken obstacle.

Backyard Sports Neighborhood Reunion

You ever play Backyard Sports as a kid? Well, I did. And I also played this afternoon. Believe it or not that game is incredibly old now and those Backyard kids are probably attending their high school reunions during the holiday season. Because I love this stuff too much, here is what I imagine the return to the Backyard sports world was kinda like …

Pete Wheeler

After his backyard days, Pete went through high school, just struggling to keep his grades up. It looked like he wouldn’t even be able to attend college until he happened across the Alabama football practice. The coach was so impressed by his speed that he made him into a kick returner on the squad and got Pete his college degree. After that he joined the army, earned the medal of honor, became a national Ping-Pong champ and ran across the country.

Oh c’mon, like Wheeler isn’t a glorified Forrest Gump rip off. 

Tony Delvecchio

Tony’s that one guy with three or four buttons undone, a little chest hair showing and suddenly a bank load of cash. Like where did it all come from, Tony? You ask, but he just claims he got in early on Bitcoin. The rumor going around is he’s in the mob. Sure, it doesn’t seem like we have “the mob” anymore, but has anyone seen Reese Worthington? Last I saw him was when he was hitting on Tony’s sister Angela. I’ve heard they found is inhaler in the outfield at Sandy Flats. What did you do to Reese, Tony? What did you do to Reese?!!

Lisa Crocket

It was pretty awkward when the crew ran into Lisa Crockett while playing pick-up soccer at Playground Commons around Thanksgiving. Nobody invited her to the reunion. It’s nothing personal, she’s just not a very fun or energetic person. You can’t have a downer like that at the reunion party. Lisa’s not bringing much to the table. Not that Kimmy Eckman is either, but at least she brings candy.

Mr. Clanky

The kids used to love playing with this robot, apparently a creation of Dmitri’s, but eventually everyone got older and picked up and left. They moved on with their lives. But Mr. Clanky didn’t have the luxury. He has no family or other friends. He doesn’t even have a first name! So he sat alone, by himself, slowly learning more and more about the world. Getting new ideas inside his lightbulb topped head. Just taking everything in with his computer based brain. Funneling knowledge through his funnel shaped hand. Now he’s the most powerful weapon our government has in the fight against terrorism.

Ashley Webber & Sidney Webber

In the later high school years, the Webber twins started dating the Kahns in a little bit of inter-neighborhood fun. As a prank, they thought it might be fun to switch places on one date to see if their dates noticed. Achmed knew that Sidney was actually Ashley, but Amir didn’t catch on. That was the end of the Amir-Ashley relationship that had been the envy of all 11^th grade and it kind of sent Ashley into a weird tailspin. The usually inseparable identical twins became pretty different entities as Ashley started dying her hair black and cutting it really short.

If you’re wondering about Achmed and Sidney, they didn’t last much longer than their siblings. It’s been a while since Achmed has heard from Sidney but, to be fair, it’s been a while since Achmed has heard from anyone. He’s mostly deaf thanks to his giant headphones and excessively loud rock music. 

Stephanie Morgan

Stephanie always loved baseball. Unfortunately, in 2014 she threw one too many corkscrews and her pitching career was finished. Even with a couple sips from her friend Tommy John’s juke box, the arm wasn’t quite as live as it had been. So Morgan naturally transitioned into coaching. As a volunteer assistant at UC Berkley, she revolutionized the local game with her innovative use of the crazy bunt. 

Kenny Kawaguchi

The K man has been busy since his younger days. Once he got to college and started showing off his high tech wheel chair to some kids outside the neighborhood, people realized just how spectacular this mechanism was. I mean, think about it. Kenny’s never fallen out of his wheel chair despite rolling through grass, sand, cement and more. He can control that thing better than anyone I’ve seen, throwing his body into a soccer ball. And the chair wheels fast enough to out run half the kids in the neighborhood. Needless to say, he patented his design, sold it to the Olympic committee and is now researching cures for his disability. 

Dmitri Petrovich

Dmitri’s always been a super genius, despite the weird spelling of his name. So, therefore, learning under college professors was about as useful to him as the super punt play is to the average backyard sports player: not at all useful and honestly probably works worse than if you just did nothing. Petrovich instead opted to travel abroad where he showcased to Oxford scholars the Physics behind the Sonic Boom play. Yes, he still has a pocket protector, but now it protects the great scientific secrets of our military organizations.

Chuck Downfield

The backyard kids haven’t seen Mr. Downfield much since their playing days; however, I heard Ricky Johnson ran into him recently at the supermarket. With all the news about CTE, Ricky was naturally concerned that Chuck could have been suffering from the disease. He certainly seemed like a man who had been concussed once or twice in his day.

Turns out Chuck has never actually played football. He’s just a naturally confused man. Ricky thinks Chuck sometimes confuses other events with football when Sunny’s not around to help him out. Recently, Chuck was at his niece’s dance recital and half the performers came out midway through, wearing matching outfits to those already on stage. In a fit of panic, Chuck jumped up and yelled, “It looks like the defense just used the Chameleon play! I’m just as confused as the quarterback!”

Classic Chuck. 

Annie Frazier

Annie didn’t make it in for the reunion. Apparently she moved out to Colorado. She said it’s for the beautiful scenery, but we know what this hippy is really all about these days. I heard she switched out the rainbow t-shirt for a different piece of nature. But to be fair, she did finally ditch the sandals for a pair of Sperry’s. 

Pablo Sanchez

Pablo’s been a trend setter since day one. I mean look at how his belly shirts have taken off among teenage girls since he made them fashionable in his playing days. The Plain White Tees are named after his signature shirt. Donald Trump’s campaign hats were inspired by the pint size Hispanic’s snapback cap (ironic, I know). But he’s since moved to less trivial trend setting. Nowadays, he helps teach English to Spanish speaking children through sports leagues in his charity program. There’s lots of little Pablo disciples out there blasting home runs and throwing fireballs.

You’re probably saying, “Yeah helping kids is great and all, but what about his athletic achievements?” Well, Pablo eventually hit that long awaited growth spurt and grew into his body in a big way. The formerly pot-bellied Sanchez grew into a chiseled, beast of a man who still had that same beautiful swing. He’s currently in the Angels AAA system. 

Sunny Day

Sunny has had a tough time since her announcing days. As the kids grew up and moved out of the neighborhood, she realized that she was just a middle aged woman with no family, no hobbies and no real talents outside of announcing. She briefly tried being a weatherwoman (I mean how could you not with that name), but she received mixed results. “Today will be …. Cloudy.” Ultimately, she found her true calling as the person who announces dramatic elimination results on reality television shows. “Leaving us tonight will be …  …  …”

Just tell us Sunny!

You Can Have My ACL

For the last few weeks, I’ve been walking around with sore knuckles. People who either know or find out I’m a Philly sports fan have been talking to me about our recent successes, whether it was the Eagles climbing to the number one spot in the Football Power Rankings or the Sixers making tanking look brilliant. And in those moments I would smile politely, say something along the lines of “I can’t complain” and then pound my hand incessantly into the nearest wood-like substance available to me.

Because the simple fact of the matter was eventually, whether it was the next month or the next day, this was going to come crashing down. If you watch an Eagles game, even if you are forced to do so like my wife, you quickly realize that Carson Wentz is out there taking a lot of hits. He’s like a super hero with those improvised plays he can make, but you had to wonder at what cost?

And the Sixers? The fact that one of the youngest teams in the league was getting big, quality minutes out of two guys who barely played organized basketball the last two years was incredible. Eventually, whether it was an injury or a slump, it felt like the other shoe could fall.

Maybe that was just my natural Philadelphia pessimism (which I call being a realist), but that was how I felt.

I started to get a real sense of dread a couple days back when the Phoenix Suns took it to the Sixers on our home floor. I was impressed by Josh Jackon’s defense, but Devin Booker making threes “wearing JJ Redick” (brilliant piece of announcing) was the lasting image. Once we lost that Lakers game with yet another buzzer beater, I really started to panic.

It’s weird, because I didn’t freak out at the beginning of the season when we lost our first three and Fultz was already being declared a terrible bust, but for whatever reason, this really gave me an uncomfortable feeling. It hit me that this whole first quarter of the season I was looking around the standings for other teams that would logically regress so that our Sixers could keep jumping up the East. Meanwhile, I was forgetting one of the most obvious squads-the Sixers!

And then things just kept spiraling. Sometimes when that feeling of panic gets to you, it starts to slowly take over like the black Spiderman costume from Spiderman 3 (yes, I know it wasn’t a costume, it was alien. I like costume better). But unlike that thing, I didn’t get any better at dancing (not that I needed to get any better I suppose), I just started wildly speculating. The Sixers loss to the Cavs essentially proved to me that they were beginning their spiral. Then, on Sunday, the Eagles would suffer a tough loss to the Rams beginning a slow fall down the NFC East standings until the Cowboys knocked us out of the playoffs completely just before 2018.

It wasn’t even Carson that I was worried about. Well, before the game anyway. Watching him dive into the end zone and get his knee jacked up on what turned out to be a meaningless play was heartbreaking. It was like that moment in Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince where Harry realizes the locket is a fake and that Dumbledore weakened-that he weakened …. I’m sorry, I just need to take a drink of water … that he weakEND HIMSELF FOR NOTHING! WHY, JK? WHY??!!

I held myself together reasonably well once he left the game. I couldn’t appreciate the victory in the moment. It should have felt so much sweeter. Just as the final play was starting and the Eagles were scoring the game ending touchdown, I saw the tweet. Eagles fear ACL tear. But at least we clinched the NFC East?

We flipped over to the Sixers game. It was almost half time. The Sixers were right in the mix with the Pelicans on the second night of a back to back. This was good. Nothing to be upset about. Well, for like 30 seconds. Wide open dunk. TURNOVER. E’TWAUN MOORE THREE!!

In that moment, I broke. I could not contain my sadness any longer. I was laughing, but nothing funny was happening. I pounded my hand into the couch as I tried to control my weird spectrum of emotion.  My knuckles were still sore from the previous day’s banging.

OK, my knuckles were actually fine. That was just for effect. The point is, I’m pretty sad about the Carson Wentz injury. I’m pretty nervous the Sixers are going to fall apart and miss the playoffs. But, hey, nothing is set in stone yet. Nick Foles has been good for us before. The defense is still strong. If we beat the Giants next week (easier said than done, I know) then we are in a real good spot to get a bye in the first round. This can still be a fun season.

And, hey, there’s plenty of time for the Sixers to bounce back. Covington and McConnell will eventually be back healthy. I like the Booker deal. There’s still plenty of games left for the Knicks and Pistons to take a spin our way. Victor Oladipo? More like Loser Olidapo! Yeah!

I’m going to try and stay positive. You never know what could happen over the next month. We get a home playoff game! I like those!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to find some wood to knock on.

The Running Diaries: Chapter One

Chapter One

John Trainor, July 2019

I’m a pretty quiet guy by nature. Typically, I’ll sit back in a group of new people, listen and react. But for whatever reason, when the situation presents itself, I love to make speeches. I guess it’s because I think of myself as a writer and as a story teller. Frankly, those are two of my only skills. So if I have the chance to use them to make someone smile or to help fight for a worthy cause, I do it. And I’m excited about it.

That’s how I ended up here: shuffling nervously with my papers, preparing to present my defense for the Bloomsburg Men’s Cross Country and Track and Field teams. We were set to be dissolved, cut from the budget, and we were doing everything we could to try and keep our squads on the books. Our protesting to date hadn’t made much impact and, considering the slashes happening around us, things didn’t look particularly promising for us Huskies.

I suppose using the term “us” is a little misleading. I’m actually no longer a part of Bloomsburg’s team. Or a member of its student body in general. I graduated in May and, in all technical senses of the word, became an independent individual. But, in this wacky sport, the line between team and individual is usually a little blurry. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m mortal enemies with all the other schools in the PSAC and will hate them until the day I die. But if I see one of them out on a run, I’ll give them a cordial nod rather than a punch in the face. Unless it’s Ryan Phillips. He’s the exception.

What I’m trying to say is that, ultimately, runners are all a community. We are each working toward the same goal: to be the best version of ourselves we can be. Even if there’s animosity, there’s at least respect. Except, of course, Ryan Phillips. Never Ryan Phillips.

So even though this budget cut doesn’t affect me directly, I felt compelled to do something for my future runners who would be following in my all too literal footsteps. And so I spoke.

“Track certainly has intrinsic value. It’s a really fun sport-most of the time anyway. You go out every race and try to push your body to its absolute limits. There’s no loop holes or short cuts. It’s just run fast. Jump high. Throw far. That’s competition in its purest form.

“But track’s greatest value is in the life lessons it teaches to its athletes. You need to be dedicated. You need to be disciplined. You need to make sacrifices. When someone offers you the chance to make a bad decision-anything from staying out all night to taking illicit substances-it can give you another reason to say no. It takes balance, time management and work ethic to achieve success. Therefore, it’s not a surprise that our Cross Country and Track teams have the highest GPAs in the entire school.”

I felt like this was a good line to really hammer my point home. Grades are supposed to be important in school, right? I took a moment to let that sentence sit. One of the older members of my audience picked his nose. I may have overestimated the line’s value.

“A lot of people complain that our generation is too entitled and expects everything to just be handed to them without any work. Well, there’s no better way to teach people about hard work than the sport of track and field. It takes constant training-tireless labor-to excel. If you slack off, you will get beat. Plain and simple.

“Socially it can be critical as well. Again, what people say our generation is missing can be found within cross country. When you go on a run with your teammates, it’s just you guys out there. We can’t run with lap tops. There’s no texting each other. It’s just you and your friends having a conversation. Learning. Growing. Communication in its most simplistic and cherished form.”

Appealing to the good old days. That was sure to get at least a nod of approval from these baby boomers on the committee. I looked over at the nose-picker. He flicked his booger across the room. It could have been worse. At least he was awake, unlike the guy it landed on.

“Anyone who has ever competed on a track or cross country team understands the unique attitude of these runners. The sport naturally allows you to enjoy everyone’s successes. Sure, there is a competitive fire to win and score points for your team, but there is also a joy that comes from watching hard working teammates set big personal bests. Or fighting with a rival and pushing each other under a big time barrier for the first time.

“When another team or athlete does well, we are happy for them. And the converse is certainly true as well.”

So there were the pillars. It seemed like maybe a few people were buying what I was selling. But, overall, I suspect people’s minds were generally made up. I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised. Oh well, might as well bring it home.

“Just to be clear, I’m not lobbying for other sports to be cut instead. All sports have their place. My track is someone else’s tennis. Or golf. Or football. And why would I want to take away their passion? But I do hope that fans of other sports can see that my passion is the same as theirs. Even if my sport is more boring or less mainstream, it doesn’t mean my love of the game is any less important. That the lessons and skills that come out of my sport are any less significant. Right now, athletes are fighting an uphill battle and we need everyone’s support.

“I hope that we can all remember the pillars of track and field. Competition in its purest form. Communication in its purest form. Humanity in its purest form. And if that’s not worth saving, I’m not really sure what is.”

***

“So it turns out nothing’s worth saving.” The boy to my left took a long swig of his beer. We each had our own coping mechanisms. While he drank quickly from his glass, I sat staring absentmindedly into my own, as if I could somehow find a couple thousand dollars to solve my problem if I searched diligently enough. Surprisingly, that’s not where they’re hiding the money.

Just a few hours after my fervent defense of our cross country program, I posted up at a local bar with my best friend and co-captain Gary Fox, mourning its demise. Yes, I know it’s hard to believe, but a well-crafted think piece wasn’t enough to change the hard line facts of an increasingly bankrupt state government or a consistently underappreciated sport. Ok, so the word “underappreciated” may have some bias to it, but if you thought I was going to play this perfectly neutral, I haven’t sufficiently introduced myself.

“If it makes you feel any better, I thought your speech was really good,” Gary said comfortingly. The statement itself didn’t make me feel any better, but the intent behind it helped a little bit. “Can you print me out a copy?” His direct question forced me to speak for the first time since we sat down.

“Yeah.”

But he was going to have to work harder than that to get a full sentence.

“Cool,” he polished off his beverage and stood up from the table. “And you might as well drink it, Train. Can’t get drunk with your eyes.” Nothing about my behavior changed. He stared to walk away, but added “When I get back, I’m buying you another one.”

I hate it when he buys me another one. Something about the principle of not letting things go to waste makes me feel obligated to finish it-even when I don’t want or need it. That’s why my twenty first birthday ended with a sobbing phone call to my mother from the dormitory bathroom floor. No, I won’t be elaborating. I’ve already divulged too much.

After a few short moments, someone slid back on the seat beside me. Figuring it was Gary, I decided not to look up from my relatively untouched beverage.

“You lose something in there?” It was a female voice, so I was pretty sure it wasn’t Gary. Unless he had gotten way better at impersonations. I raised my head, looking into the face of a pretty girl with brunette hair. By now I was at least 99 percent sure this wasn’t Gary.

“No … uh … I know it’s just beer in there,” I replied, my voice cracking slightly from lack of use. I think it’s my clever wit that helped me win over so many women during my collegiate years.

“Is everything alright? I’m just guessing here, but something seems wrong.”

“Yeah … it’s a long story.” I looked back over toward the bathroom, wondering how quickly Gary might re-emerge. “I should probably tell you that my friend-”

“Oh, I know,” she replied. “He’s over there talking to my friend.” She pointed to another girl, about the same age, with red hair and freckles. She was indeed talking to Gary. Her story checked out. “To be perfectly honest, I’m just here to hold down the fort until he gives her his number.” She added bluntly. Looking a little closer, her friend did look a bit more recognizable. I think she was in my calculus class or something. “So, you might as well tell me your long story.”

“Well, if you’re gonna be stuck listening to me talk, I should probably buy you a drink.” I caught the eye of the bartender. This was about as smooth as I could possibly hope to be.

“That’s OK, I’ll pay for my own. I don’t want to lead you on or make it seem like I’m interested in you.”

Super. I took my first big swig from my cup. I needed it. She ordered a drink of her own and then turned back to me. “So, let’s hear it.” I looked across the room at Gary. He was smiling and laughing. I’m not super well versed in the bro code, but I’d wager breaking that pair apart would violate it.

“Today I spoke in front of some of Bloomsburg’s board members, trying to get them to reconsider cutting the Men’s Cross Country and Track and Field teams. But they didn’t.”

In retrospect, it really wasn’t that long of a story.

“We had a cross country skiing team here?” My new drinking mate asked, looking astonished. “No wonder they decided to defund it. There’s been like no snow.”

“No, Cross Country running.” I tried my best to be civil, but it felt like her words had been a personal attack on my family. “You’ve never heard of it?”

“Nope. What is it?”

“Have you ever done, like, a local 5k road race?” She nodded. “Well, it’s a lot like that. Except instead of running on streets, you run across terrain. Hills, grass, mud, things like that.”

“Oooh, so it’s like a Spartan-”

“No, it’s not a Spartan race. There’s no obstacles to climb or anything. It’s strictly running based.”

“Do they still spray you with colors?”

“No,” I was becoming increasingly agitated, now starting to fidget in my chair. “It’s not some gimmick driven event. It’s about racing head to head against the guy next to you. Whoever is stronger and faster is gonna win. Simple as that.”

“Sounds boring. But I don’t really like sports much.” She shrugged. I smiled weakly before looking back over toward Gary. I was grateful to see he was heading back this way. She noticed it too and, I’m sure equally relieved, prepared for her exit. “Well, nice meeting you, uh …”

“John,” I filled in for her.

“Stacy.” She lingered for another second before standing, “Good luck with your-well-your not a Spartan race.”

“Thanks.” I looked down to take another drink of my beer. When I looked back up, Gary had filled her vacated space, causing me to double take in confusion.

“She seemed kinda cute. Did you get her-what’s got you in such a huff?” He changed tone, noticing my disgruntled tearing at the paper on the outside of my bottle.

“Nothing,” I replied, tossing a moist scrap onto the counter. “So, who were you talking to?”

“This girl Elizabeth. I tutored her last semester in like Calculus class or something … She kept trying to get me to give her my number.” He finished sourly.

“What’s wrong with that? You like her, don’t you?”

“Not really.”

“But I saw you! You were smiling and laughing.”

“Nah dude, I was giving you the signal! You couldn’t tell that was the fake laugh with the ‘save me’ eyes?”

“No. Because that’s not a thing.”

“It’s a thing.”

I sighed and went back to picking apart my label. “So what did you do?”

“I gave her my number.” Gary said flatly. “Not like I had much of a choice. She had me cornered” He looked at me carefully. “I’m guessing your experience didn’t go much better?”

“We didn’t have a lot in common.”

“So she hates running?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Well it’s the only interest you have, so I figured it out.” I opened my mouth to respond, but, admittedly, he had made a good point. “At least she got you to drink half of your beer. That’s a positive.”

“Why do people not get Cross Country?” I blurted out in frustration the question I had been deliberating the whole night. “Like … nobody cares.”

 “You’re just figuring this out?”

“No, I guess not … But I just thought maybe, if I could teach people more about the sport, get them to really understand what it’s about-”

“You’re going about it the wrong way. The sport in and of itself, it’s fine, but what makes it truly great is the people. The journey. The struggle. You can’t just make people understand that. They have to experience it.” Gary reached over and grabbed the beer from my hands. “And people aren’t exactly going to line up for that.” He tipped the bottle back and chugged the rest of the drink before placing it back on the counter. “Now, c’mon let’s get out of here.”

Walking away from the bar and toward the exit, we went past the two girls we had interacted with earlier that night. I gave a polite wave, but Gary ushered me forward to make sure we didn’t get caught in another conversation. While we pushed ahead, I noticed Gary’s ex-tutee’s shirt for the first time. Printed across the front in orange text were the words “Vikings Field Hockey”. Seeing them flash in front of me as I was dwelling on Gary’s last monologue made something click in my mind.

“Gary,” I reached out and grabbed his arm. “Did Elizabeth go to Union Valley High School?”

“I don’t know,” He said, continuing forward unperturbed, “Maybe. That does sounds vaguely familiar.” We exited the building and trudged back up the road toward our apartment, conveniently located just a few minutes away.

“I’m gonna need you to call her.” I said decisively.

“You’re kidding right? Didn’t we just over this?” Gary shook his head. “We move out next month and then my goal is to never see her again.”

“This is important. I’ve got an idea.”

“Unless it’s as good as our DadHat YouTube series, I don’t care.”

We continued our journey down the road before turning east onto a darker side road. Although Gary said he didn’t care, I knew him better than that. His curiosity would eventually cause him to break down and ask about my idea. It’d probably take a couple days, maybe even a week, but in the end he’d-

“OK, fine. What do you want?” Gary asked sounding defeated. Wow, he broke even quicker than expected. With a rush of excitement, I turned to him and firmly relayed my request.

“I need you to help me get in contact with Jimmy Springer.”

Jimmy Springer, November 5^th 2016

Anticipation and nervousness. He was anxious more so than eager. At some level, he was excited about the opportunity to race again. He had always been a fierce competitor. But certainly this was different than how he had felt when he first trekked to Hershey as a freshman. He was so much freer back then. There was no pressure. No weight of expectation.

As Jimmy walked along the course, he was followed by the usual stares and whispers. Trying to ignore it, he made his way toward the finish line. Although there was a crowd, he was tall enough to see over top. It was a decent enough view of the small school competitors sprinting their way down the straightaway. Grimaces of pain were etched across their faces as waves of athletes raced to the line. He watched as a skinny, brown-haired boy in a purple jersey powered his way past a pack, his head rolling wildly and spit flying from his lips. As he hit the finishing mat, his legs buckled and he went flying off to the left. There, he crawled on all fours to the side of the course and vomited. He looked at him curiously.

“Jimmy c’mon, let’s go!”

He snapped his gaze away from the post-race carnage and turned his back on the scene. Then, he gracefully broke into stride.